I really do not know where to start, but beware this is going to be long. My husband and I have struggled with depression for years. Different depressions. As our son got older it became more obvious that he needed help. After trying a lot of things he decided to get ECT. I thought my depression was bad before, that it could not get worse, yet the ride that life has thrown at me these last two months has been....excruciating.
I guess the start was when my MIL moved in with us. She moved in to help take my husband to his appointments, which were a total of 3 hours away. Little did I know what else came with her stay. I would make breakfast of eggs and toast for my son in the morning and she would comment "my kids ate breakfast bars and cereal". okay. At dinner my son would want dessert and I would say "if you eat your dinner" and she would say "if you eat a few bites I am sure you can have dessert". okay. my son got sick so I made him his favorite soup to which she said 'you don't have to eat it if you don't like it". okay. I also got stories. You see she is a psychiatrist and at night she would tell me about her one patient that had a "dead beat husband who just stayed at home and took care of their disable son"...did you know that I am a stay at home mom and I do not have a disabled son? We watched shows together at night and one night I suggested a different show to which she pounded her fist onto the couch and said no. okay. then it came to a head when my son was pushing the boundaries too hard. This is what happened.
My son was pulling on my clothing (this had been going on for a while) at this point I was tired and had enough so I told him if he continued he would go on time out. So what does any 5 yr old do? Well he starts to pat my clothing. Not pulling. But I have had enough, so I put him on timeout to which he says "it's not fair, I didn't pull" and then my MIL decides this is the battle she wants to have. She tells me I am wrong, that I am going to just make things worse, that kids test boundaries and I need to deal with it or else I should have thought about it. She reprimands me while my husband just sits there (he was in treatments at this time so not all that with it). The next day I leave to take a break and my husband confronts his parents (his father had come up that day for my sons 5th birthday). Well when my husband confronts his parents about what happened he gets something like "well if she has a problem she can bring it up to me" from his mom and something along the lines that I am like his fathers crazy step mother. okay.
And just when things could not get worse they do. The next day it snows. We are supposed to get 6 inches of snow. My sons school is cancelled. The night before my MIL and I discussed that she would take my son to school and I would take my husband to his ECT, because she did not want to drive in the snow. Well the next day that all changed. She told me I had to do the "full Monty". She did not want to take my husband to the ECT in the snow or watch my son while I take my husband to his appointment and that I "would have to do it when she left anyways". Okay. So when we could use the help , when it is snowing and my son does not have school she can not help. Okay. So I do it. I take my husband, drop him off, take my son to the park, pick up my husband, drive back, shovel the deck, and plow the driveway. At this point I have had enough. I inform her that I can do it all, and she can take a break and go home. Well that went over well as you can imagine.
Over the next few days we keep our time together minimal as she stays at a hotel. Then she is leaving, and she scheduled me to take my husband up to his ECT and then the following day to his doctor, both days in the car for 3 hours with appointments WITH my 5 yr old son. Yeah no. He is so busy, he can play outside for 6 hours and not get tired. So no I am not going to drag him two days in a row, so I reschedule one of the appointments. Well this set her off telling me I did not care about my husband (I am the reason he is seeking help but...okay), that I am just a terrible person and as far as she cares I can rot. okay. The next day my husband and I move all her stuff outside on our porch. It literally took her to tell him , my son , and myself that we can rot to upset him enough that he has had enough. I had enough weeks ago.
Fast forward a few weeks and I get the late night call from my parents. My dad had a stroke. Well it turns out its not a stroke but his drinking over the years shrunk his cerebellum and well he got messed up. Welcome to the joys of my family. My mom is distraught about what she is going to do about the money (which turned out to be okay), and she is hysterical. The only person I can get information out of is her boyfriend. Well good thing he is around. Then I am stuck calling my dads work and his girlfriend to let them all know because my mom is off the edge. FUN. Well my dad is better and back to work and everything is good now, but for at least two weeks it was crazy town. It is about now I start to realize something.
No one is here for me. I was taking shit from my MIL, ferrying my husband up to his appointments, taking my son outside, cooking, cleaning, dealing with my crazy parents and I am just depressed. Not depressed to cry anymore. I don't care. All the problems I had prior, like my weight, lack of income success, being a terrible mother, not good at anything, ugly, and just plain not worth anything doesn't matter. No one is ever going to be there for me. No matter what I do. And if I don't start to try to be there for myself I don't know if I will make it. So today I am going to try to be there for myself. I am going to start running again. I wish I could have someone support me and hold me to it. Someone to run with me. Someone to tell me to keep it up. That someone right now needs to be me.
I will post a more upbeat post next week. Hopefully. But I just wanted to let anyone who wondered where I had gone and what was going on.
Mother, dyer, knitter, and gamer.